Communicate Like a Bendy Straw: Keys to Flexible Communication

TL;DR: Nicole Hollar, behavior change keynote speaker and coach, unpacks why being technically right about what you said doesn’t mean you actually communicated anything. Communication isn’t a delivery system—it’s a translation problem, and the person doing the translating is you. Bending your style toward how someone actually processes information gets you further than being “clear” ever will.

There’s a particular kind of pride people take in saying “I told them exactly what I needed.” Usually right before explaining why the other person did the opposite of what they needed. The sentence is doing a lot of work to protect the speaker from an uncomfortable possibility: that the information was delivered but never internalized.

In Logged In, Checked Out, I compare good communicators to a bendy straw. A straight straw works fine until the situation calls for something else, and then it just doesn’t reach. A bendy straw adjusts its angle depending on what’s needed, without becoming a different straw. That’s a skill. Not saying more, or saying it louder, but bending the delivery to the person receiving it.

Communication involves more than words. It involves delivery methods, listening, assumptions, interpretation, expectations, emotional triggers, and whether people are really discussing the same thing. One of the most common problems I see, in coaching and in organizations, is expecting someone to understand something that was technically said but never clearly communicated. Mind-reading is not a reasonable relationship strategy, be it professional or personal.

Know your audience's learning style before you open your mouth.

Some people process information visually. Some need to talk it through out loud. Some need to see it written down and sit with it before responding in a meeting. If you deliver every piece of information the same way regardless of who’s receiving it, you’re optimizing for your own comfort, not their comprehension. That’s not a communication style. That’s a habit that has made delivery easy for you.

Ask for clarity instead of assuming it exists.

The instinct to nod along rather than ask a clarifying question is usually about ego, not efficiency. Nobody wants to be the person who “didn’t get it.” But asking, “When you say soon, do you mean today or this week?” isn’t a sign you’re behind. It’s the fastest route to being on the same page, instead of two people assuming they agree.

“I'm here, you're here” isn't the same as being present.

Physical or virtual attendance isn’t communication. Someone can be in the room, camera on, and be entirely somewhere else. Presence is part of what makes communication possible in the first place. You can’t adjust your delivery to someone who isn’t fully there to receive it, and you can’t receive information you’re only half-listening for.

None of this is about becoming a different person to accommodate everyone around you. It’s about recognizing that communication is a shared responsibility, and your half of it includes checking whether the message made it across, not just whether you said it.

Questions for Reflection

1. Think of a recent miscommunication. Did you deliver information in the way that worked for you, or the way that would have worked for the other person?
2. Where in your life are you relying on someone to “just know” what you mean?
3. When was the last time you asked a clarifying question instead of nodding and hoping it would make sense later?

Frequently Asked Questions

What does it mean to have a flexible communication style?

It means adjusting how you deliver information—tone, format, level of detail, timing—based on how the listener processes things, rather than defaulting to whatever feels most natural to you.

Why do I keep having the same miscommunication with someone?

Recurring miscommunication often points to a mismatch in communication or learning style rather than a lack of effort. If the same gap keeps showing up, the fix is usually in how the information is delivered, not how many times it's repeated.

Is asking clarifying questions a sign of weakness at work?

No, the opposite. Asking for clarity upfront prevents wasted work, missed expectations, and repeated conversations later. It's generally read as diligence, not confusion.