The Missing Half of Change
Oct 26, 2026TL;DR: Most people plan a list of things to start, and almost none make room for the behaviors and feelings that have to go, even though those old patterns are usually doing a job for you. Starting something new without stopping something rarely lasts, which is why lasting change needs both a start and a stop. Nicole Hollar, behavior change expert and integrative life coach, explains how to see what an old pattern is providing before you try to remove it.
Ask someone what they want to change and you'll almost always get a list of additions: exercise more, sleep more, meditate, set better boundaries. Starting is easy to picture, and stopping sounds like deprivation, so the list tends to leave out anything that has to go.
That matters because a person has only so much time, energy, and emotional bandwidth, and the old behavior is already occupying it. The 6 a.m. workout runs into the habit of staying up until midnight scrolling. The new boundary runs into the part of you that feels valued when you're needed. You can add the new thing every Monday for years and the old thing will still be there on Tuesday, because it's familiar and the new one isn't.
What the old thing is doing for you
Behaviors and feelings that persist usually persist for a reason, and the reason is rarely the one on the surface. A friend of mine used to throw herself into extreme workout programs for weeks, then crash and do nothing for months, while her husband struggled with binge drinking. She saw herself as the disciplined one and him as the one escaping. I suggested she ask him what he felt right before he slipped back into drinking, and she was surprised how closely it matched what she felt right before launching another program. Two very different behaviors were doing the same job, which was managing something uncomfortable.
Feelings complicate things. Nobody can order themselves to stop feeling guilty or resentful, and trying usually pushes the feeling underground. A feeling is often held in place by a belief or an old experience. Someone who feels guilty every time they say “no” is frequently carrying a belief about what saying “no” says about them, and the guilt keeps showing up to enforce it. Uncovering those beliefs is where I start in individualized Mind Reset coaching.
Stopping alone doesn't last either
Discomfort is good at starting momentum and poor at sustaining it. A plan built only around stopping runs on the wish to feel better, so once things improve the reason to continue goes with it. What sustains a change is something to move toward, a picture of who you're becoming that the old behavior no longer fits.
At the center of Hollar's Potter's Wheel™ is a line running from what I know, through choice, to what I want. The old behavior belongs to what I know, and it doesn't have to be good for me to be familiar. Ownership, the third of its five principles of personal agency, is where it gets uncomfortable, because it asks what part I'm still playing in keeping the old thing going. Some of what needs to stop belongs to other people or circumstances, and sorting that out is part of the same work.
There's usually an awkward stretch after the old behavior is gone and before the new one feels normal. Many people read that stretch as proof the change isn't working. The reality, however, is that is just what unfamiliarity feels like.
Listen to the discussion about this topic on The OWN IT Podcast
Questions for Reflection
- What are you trying to add to your life right now, and what would have to leave to make room for it?
- Think of something you keep doing that you'd like to stop. What does it give you in the moment, and what would you have to feel without it?
- Of the things you want to stop, which are yours to stop, and which are you hoping someone else will stop for you?
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is it harder to stop a habit than to start a new one?
Stopping means removing something familiar, and familiar behaviors often handle a need such as stress relief, comfort, approval, or avoiding a feeling. Take the behavior away and the need remains.
Can you stop feeling an emotion like guilt or resentment?
Not by telling yourself to, and forcing a feeling away often pushes it underground. Feelings tend to be tied to beliefs and past experiences, so it helps to understand what is producing the feeling. If it is intense, persistent, or interfering with daily life, you may want to seek help from a trained professional.
How do I know what I should stop doing?
Start with what you keep doing that conflicts with what you say you want, especially anything that leaves you feeling worse afterward. Ask what it gives you in the moment and what it costs over time, and whether you'd want someone you love to copy it.