Exploiting a Vulnerability
Nov 04, 2026TL;DR: When you recognize that someone is lonely, grieving, desperate, or eager to please you can choose to see an opportunity or become more careful. Nicole Hollar, behavior change expert and speaker, contends that personal agency includes what you choose to do when someone else's power is temporarily diminished, and that the people who exploit vulnerability rarely think of themselves as exploiters.
Picture a woman a few months after her husband's funeral. A man from her church starts checking in on her. He fixes the gutter, stays for dinner, and listens to her talk about her husband longer than anyone else still has the patience for. By spring she’s lent him $40,000 for a business idea she would have laughed at two years earlier.
Maybe he planned it from the start but I believe a scenario like this more often unfolds gradually. Someone notices that a person is lonely, and at first that's all it is. Then they notice the lonely person is overly generous. Then they start asking for favors. On the surface none of that is a bad thing. However, it is up to bystanders to help lift people at an emotional low once they recognize it, rather than take advantage of it.
Vulnerability shows up in more forms than we tend to admit: intoxication, grief, loneliness, financial desperation, fear of losing a relationship, insecurity, or wanting so badly to be liked that you'll tolerate things you ordinarily wouldn't. Nobody is immune to all of them and most of us will cycle through several.
In the FBI's 2025 Internet Crime Report, Americans 60 and older reported $7.75 billion in losses, with confidence and romance scams accounting for $584 million of it. Those schemes run on loneliness, and there's no shortage of it. The U.S. Surgeon General's 2023 advisory on social connection reported that roughly half of American adults experience loneliness.
Being Aware
Recognizing someone's vulnerability isn't a character flaw. Good nurses, good managers, and good friends notice it constantly. That's how they know when to slow down.
Receiving what someone freely offers isn't automatically wrong either. A lonely person may genuinely want to help you. Someone longing for friendship may be generous because generosity is who they are. If I refused every kindness from a person because they might be lonely, I'd be treating them as incapable of making their own choices, and there's a subtle condescension in that.
The line gets crossed the moment you realize, at some level, they probably wouldn't agree to this if they weren't in this position, and instead of that realization making you more careful, it shows you what's available.
That's the thread connecting situations that otherwise look nothing alike. Like with many things in life, sometimes it’s not what’s happening that needs evaluation, but the motivation behind it. Plus, the severity varies enormously. Letting a coworker who's desperate to fit in cover your shifts every weekend is not in the same universe as sexual contact with someone too intoxicated to consent, and research summarized by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has found that roughly half of sexual assaults involve alcohol use by the perpetrator, the victim, or both. Wildly different situations but their reduced ability to protect their own interests becomes another’s opportunity to serve theirs.
Nobody thinks they're the one doing it
People who take advantage rarely describe it that way, even privately. She offered. He's an adult. I never forced anything. Each of those statements may be technically true, which is what makes them so comfortable to hide behind. The human mind is great at justifying our own needs to keep our psyches clean.
Most conversations about personal power focus on where you give yours away. That matters, and a lot of my work lives there. But personal agency also includes what you choose to do when someone else's power is temporarily lower than yours. In Hollar's Potter's Wheel™, Ownership means recognizing your part, and Boundaries means distinguishing what's yours from what isn't. Someone's compromised judgment is not a resource that belongs to you, no matter how easily it's handed over.
A useful test, if not a comfortable one: would you still ask if they were at full strength? Most people know the answer before they finish the question.
Questions for Reflection
- Think of someone who currently needs you more than you need them. What have you asked of them lately that you wouldn't have asked a year ago?
- When someone says “yes” to you easily, do you ever stop to wonder why?
- Where have you told yourself "they offered" to avoid a question you didn't want to answer?
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to take advantage of someone's vulnerability?
It means using a temporary weakness in someone's position, such as grief, loneliness, intoxication, fear, or financial pressure, to get something they likely wouldn't give if they were thinking clearly or had other options. The deciding factor is less what you receive than whether their diminished ability to protect themselves is what makes the exchange possible. It can range from minor social exploitation to fraud or criminal conduct.
Is it wrong to accept help from someone who is lonely?
Not inherently. Lonely people are still capable adults, and many are generous by nature. It becomes a problem when the help escalates in ways that don't fit the relationship, when you start relying on their need to get what you want, or when you suspect they'd say “no” if they weren't afraid of losing your company.
What are the signs that someone is exploiting a vulnerable person?
Common warning signs include a new relationship that moves unusually fast, requests for money or favors that escalate over time, pressure for secrecy, and efforts to separate the person from family or friends who might ask questions. Sudden changes in finances, legal documents, or decision-making deserve attention. If you suspect financial exploitation of an older adult, Adult Protective Services and the FBI's IC3.gov accept reports.